An Open Letter To Enneagram Fours



This letter is not for you.


I know that most of what I say here won’t apply to you…you’re different. But maybe this could apply to a Friend you know. So I would humbly ask you to pay close attention and take these words to heart…because Your Friend might really need to hear these things.


I understand that Your Friend, who is an Enneagram 4, often feels like they’re on an emotional roller coaster. One minute it feels like the sun is shining and you’re -sorry, They’re- touching the sky, and the next minute it feels like the storm clouds of life have rolled in, and there is no umbrella in sight.


At one minute Your Friend might feel like they are really special, like They are uniquely talented and gifted, and the next minute They feel like “just another brick in the wall” (I theorize that the great Pink Floyd might have some strong 4 vibes going on…).



There’s a lot of pressure on Your Friend to stand out, to be different, to be special. But here’s what Your Friend so desperately needs to know: Your value isn’t found in comparing Yourself to others. You are already special because You are inherently valuable…You are not valuable because You are special.


Now, Your Friend might be tempted at this point to scoff, call that stupid semantics, and go back to listening to Their favorite misunderstood indie artist. But you should beg Them not to. This is too important for Their soul!


Being a 4 sometimes feels a bit like being an X-Man. As mutants walking in the world, what makes them so unique and special can also be a source of shame and embarrassment. And it is true for all of us: the best things about us can sometimes also be the same things that hold us back from true happiness and fullness of life. Your Friend might often find themselves missing out on the happiness they see in others, simply because They believe a lie that says, “I’m missing something that other people have.” Yet at the same time, there is a deep inner turmoil in Your Friend because they don’t want to be like everyone else, except when They do…it’s an awfully confusing and difficult place to be. Emotionally heavy and heavily charged. It doesn’t seem fair that the universe should punish Your Friend for having the creativity and courage to color outside the lines.


But here’s the good news for Your Friend:

You’re not missing anything. You are free to be You.


The caveat is that everyone else is free to be themselves too, even if that means they all seem normal (or Your Friend might say “boring”). Not everyone needs to see the world the way Your Friend does, and Your Friend doesn’t need to see the world the same way as everyone else. The full spectrum of light is made up of many different colors…only some of them are visible to the human eye, but they all play important roles.


Your Friend is free to be as normal or abnormal as They desire. The path to fullness and happiness has no restrictions levied against Enneagram 4s. It’s a bit like the old “Chinese finger traps.” The more you struggle, the more it holds on to you. But when we learn to relax and can cease to struggle, we suddenly find ourselves free.


Hopefully, you can pass that message on to Your Friend.